Can You Smell What Barrack Is Cooking?

Since today is the hundredth day of Barrack Obama's presidency, I just wanted to throw out something I've always noticed. Barrack Obama's voice sound almost identical to the WWE's The Rock. The whole time that Obama was debating with Sen. John McCain, I was waiting for Barrack to ask him if he liked pie. Or when McCain was making a statement, I half expected Obama to yell out "It doesn't matter what you think!" as he cut off McCain. It would have rose the entertainment value of those debates anyhow.

Can the Raiders' Draft Possibly Be Worse Than Our Previous Season?

I'm afraid so. Every year I'm the type of die hard Raider fan who cleanses my football spirit with the hope that free agency and the draft is going to turn everything around. I was duped into believing that the tandem of Asomugha and Hall were going to be the most dominate NFL secondary. I bought into the hype. I thought Dante Culpepper was finally the answer to QB. I believed it. I thought Fabian Washington was going to be a shutdown corner. He proved me wrong. No matter what boneheaded decisions Al Davis seems to make, I still believe in the franchise. But this draft was really hard to swallow.

First off, Heyward-Bey? Really? I know that the only time old Al gets that happy feeling in his pants is when he sees someone with great speed, but to pass up Michael Crabtree for this WR is asinine. Who cares if he's the fastest WR coming out of college? Who cares if he's got a height advantage? He's got concrete hands. Very, very bad pick Mr. Davis.

As for the rest of the draft, the real issue is that the Raiders seemed to pick obscure players who seemed destined for a practice squad, but we picked them in our second and third rounds. At this point, I think Al Davis might be throwing a dart at the war room board and whoever's name the dart hits gets drafted. Maybe he's even consulting the Magic 8 Ball, but he sure the hell doesn't seem to be using his massive knowledge of the game anymore.

I was surely convinced that Al Davis died about six years ago, and the front office just props him up like the dead guy on Weekend at Bernie's. If that's the case, can we get Frank Oz to use Al Davis's lifeless body to come alive with good decisions? Frank Oz made Yoda seem wise. Why can't he do the same for the body of Al Davis?

Mother Earth Sure Grows Lots of Weeds

I find it amazing that two holidays that are a fabric of American counterculture practically are on back to back days. The weed induced claim of a National Pot Smoking Day on 4/20 and Earth Day on 4/22. Here we have two holidays, at least in the loosest sense of the term, that some people actually care about and others completely ignore. Let's just start with 4/20.

Pot smokers unite and pack their pipes, joints, and bongs with the finest chronic to salute a culture of junkies and losers on April 20th. Now, I'm not adverse to people who like smoking a little weed. I have friends who enjoy pot (I'm using this in the same context as the white guy who says he's not a racist because he has a black friend). If potheads want to celebrate getting high with getting high, who am I to argue? I'm going to be honest here. Although I don't really care about the pseudo holiday, I'm impressed that it exists. For a pothead to have the organizational skills and drive to actually get a day known nationally is amazing. Most of them can't even seem to get off the couch.

Earth Day isn't really better in terms of holiday cheer. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for saving the Earth, but is it the Earth that we are really trying to preserve? HELL NO! What we're trying to preserve is our pollution making, tree cutting, oil spilling, energy wasting, littering asses. The Earth is still going to be here in 1,000 years. It may be polluted as hell without the ability to sustain life of any kind, but it will be here. Humans are the ones that will be long gone from existence. We should change the name of the day to Human Day. Then we can stop hiding behind the guise of saving Mother Earth and be truthful with ourselves. We can make signs that say "Save Our Tails" instead of "Save the Whales."

Stupid holidays aside, if the federal government wants to give me a day off from work for these days, I'll be the first to roll a joint while planting a tree.

Where the Hell Do Mascots Come From?

I was reading a post by Kurt Snibbe at http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=snibbe/090421&sportCat=nfl. It's more like looking at pictures actually than reading, but it's funny. It has to do with the Detroit Lions new fierce logo. The thing that drew my attention though was the picture of the Hilltopper of Western Kentucky.




I have no idea what the hell a Hilltopper is in the first place, but this thing reminds me of Grimace from the old McDonald's gang.


Maybe colleges should adopt mascots based on fast food restaurants' fictional characters. For example, doesn't it make sense that a girl named Wendy would be the mascot for the Miami Hurricanes? Why in the hell do they have a ibis?







Or instead of a simple trojan at USC, that they just get the king.



Just imagine the possibilites that having a mascot or logo that exemplifies the Hamburglar or Jack on your favorite alma mater. Eat, cheer, and be proud.

Terrell Owens Can Get His Children's Books Published But I Can't

Now I know that name recognition is a key to writing children's books for those who are already famous. Any moron can bust out a few sentences and get a talented illustrator to tighten up the project. However, this book just amazes me.

I found this gem after receiving a rejection e-mail from Objective Entertainment in terms of looking for literary representation (this is just the newest in a plethora of rejections.) The first for me with this rejection, however, was that it was the first time that any literary agency has offered to put me in touch with some self-publishing companies. The word "Scam" screamed out to me, so I went on their page again and sifted through their projects. I happened to find this wonderful piece of work in their children's section.

How in the hell did Terrell Owens get to publish a children's book? Furthermore, read the title. Do I need to say any more? For those who know who Terrell Owens is, the title is an oxymoron in and of itself. Maybe T.O. should have read the book before he made comments about Tony Romo and Jason Witten.

Got to Love the Little Things in Life (and Sometimes the BIG Things too!)

I found this picture on the Internet at http://deadspin.com/5120562/does-this-guy-look-drunk-and-belligerent-to-you. It tells the tale of a shafted Raiders fan being thrown out of Raymond James Stadium during the Buccaneers / Raiders game. This picture initially caught my attention because I am a hardcore Oakland Raiders fan (got the tattoo on my arm to prove it), and my wife is a Bucs fan from Tampa Bay.

According to the man in this picture, he was minding his own business, enjoying the game, when he was tossed from the stadium for cheering his team. The stadium's spokesperson commented that the man was belligerent, was picking fights, and was incredibly intoxicated. This picture was the man's proof that he was getting along with the Bucs fan and was not picking fights at all.

Now all of this aside, let's examine the picture. It depicts a festive moment of a Raiders fan getting along with a Bucs fan. Never mind the fact that it is a scantily clad, hard bodied young female Bucs fan who is wrapping her leg around him. I'm sure he would have let any other Buc fan take the picture with him in the same manner.

The ringer of the picture for me, though, is not the combination of Raiders and Bucs fans colliding. It's not the sexy chick in her little shorts showing off her leg. It's the ass of the fat guy bending over right behind the chick. That sight brings out the true beauty in this picture. I just hope he wasn't responding to the cameraman yelling, "Say cheese!"

Do Dogs Really Have the Keenest Sense of Smell?

Dogs are used for all sorts of jobs based on their ability to smell even the slightest of odors. Police dogs sniff out drugs and other harmful materials. Hunting dogs use their miraculous noses to scout out animals for their masters. All sorts of duties are placed on dogs because of their fine sense of smell, but do they really have that great of a nose? I really don't think so.

First off, dogs sniff each other's butts. Don't you think that if dogs had the wonder noses that they are proclaimed to have, that they would keep those things as far away from another dog's butt as possible? I've also seen dogs drink out of the toilet and eat crap. Now I'm no Einstein, but I'm pretty sure that there is a correlation between the sense of smell and the sense of taste. One would be led to believe that if a dog can smell the shit, then it's not going to consume it.

Furthermore, have you ever been around a dog that blows so much ass that the room clears? Dogs can provide some of the foulest stenches known to man, yet they continue to lay on the floor like nothing is even happening around them. They won't even bat an eye lash as their butt defiles the world around them. Does that sound like they have a fine sense of smell?

I submit that dogs' keen sense of smell only pertains to certain types of smells. They can sense the pheromones of a animal because they want to eat the animal. They can smell the odor of illicit narcotics because they are junkies. But they just can't smell the rancid odor of ass.

Beer and Sports: The Perfect Combination?

Friday night, my family and I ventured down to Phoenix, AZ to catch the Diamondbacks/Dodgers games. Being an avid D-Backs fan, it should go without saying that I had a good time. Got to love it when your teams whoops on a divisional rival, and you're there to take it in firsthand.

The thing that I noticed while I was there, though, was that people are drinking a TON of beer at the game. I personally spent $45 on beer alone. Crazy, but not as crazy as my realization. What type of insurance covers a place like a sports arena? First off, you have a lot of people drinking and having a grand old time. Most of them are at least taking on a decent buzz. Then you have thousands of steps going up and down the whole ball park. I'm amazed that more people do not drunkenly plummet down the steps.

I understand that the ballpark can't be held responsible for those who willingly drink the alcohol and then trip themselves. What I'm wondering about is the people who are slammed into by the falling drunks. Those people were just minding their own business, enjoying the game, when some inebriated clutz plummets through them causing who knows what kind of damage. Seems to me that those people would have quite a lawsuit against the falling jerk and the the ballpark.

Insurance for that has got to be a bitch.

Is it Wisdom or Just Old Age?

When I was a young man (not that I'm all that incredibly old now in my mid 30's), I would take chances that I wouldn't even dream about taking now. I would jump off cliffs into the local lake. I would make things open by hitting them with my hands. I would even fling myself off of the roof of my house into the shallow end of my pool. I wouldn't even dream about it nowadays. Is that wisdom telling me that it's not a good choice? I believe it is just my aching body.

I have found over the past ten years or so that I do not heal as quickly as I used to heal. I once sprained an ankle pretty bad (swelled like a grapefruit and was completely black and blue). I was walking on the damned thing two days later and moving around normally within a week. I stub my toe now, and it aches for three days. About a year and a half ago, I tore open a muscle in my shoulder just throwing a ball to some kids. I went to three months of physical therapy and decided against surgery. My arm still aches from time to time depending on how I use it.

I have come to the realization that I am not wiser. I would still do all the crazy crap that I used to do if I trusted my body to heal quickly. I haven't stopped because of wisdom. I just stopped because my body can't handle it.

Jeff Garcia was the Right Choice for the Raiders...Five Years Ago

Jeff Garcia officially signed a one year contract with the Oakland Raiders today. In his five year tour around the NFL and spending time as both starter and backup on four other teams, Jeff Garcia has seen a lot of ups and downs. Had he just been signed to the Oakland Raiders five years ago after he was released from San Francisco, both his and the Raider's last half of a decade would have been more lucrative to say the least.

Over the past five years, the Raiders have accumulated an abysmal 20 - 60 record. They have seen their fair share (and many other teams' fair shares) of starting quarterbacks from Kerry Collins to Andrew Walter. Five years ago, Marques Tuiasosopo was heir apparent to the throne of Rich Gannon. Why? Every time Tui got in the game, he would throw a couple of picks before inevitably getting injured. When Jeff Garcia was available and the Raiders needed him, they didn't take advantage. How is signing Jeff Garcia going to help them now?

They have permanently coined JaMarcus Russell as the starter since he's costing them that first overall draft pick money. JaMarcus could have benefited from a pro like Garcia on the roster two years ago, but now? Russell has started to find his own way through a mist of poor coaching and even poorer role models. Jeff Garcia would have been the perfect mentor to the young Russell, but time has already dug in wounds that signing a consistent quarterback at the end of his career for a one year contract cannot fix.

On that horrible day that Rich Gannon made his final curtain call, strives should have been made to get Garcia in the driver's seat. Five years later, Jeff Garcia is destined to be a decent backup rather than one of the great Oakland Raider quarterbacks of history.

Lose the Gun, Find a Building

I've been watching the news lately, and I've realized that there is a growing number of mass murder shootings in the United States. The immigrant in Binghamton, New York went into a center for prospective citizens and open fired killing 13 people before he killed himself. News was that he lost his job recently. Another news clip detailed a wacko in Pennsylvania who called police with a bogus domestic violence call. When police showed up, he open fired killing 3 and wounding 2 others. He had recently lost his factory job.

These are just two of the recent mass murder shootings associated with the recession. People are taking their frustrations out on others in an attempt to end their own pitiful lives. If things get so bad that you can't take it anymore, learn from our forefathers from the previous depression. Find the highest building in your town, climb to the top, and fling your pathetic ass off. You don't have to take others with you. Instead of mass murder shootings, maybe we can just deal with hosing down the sidewalk instead.

My Las Vegas

Every time you see anything associated with Las Vegas on TV, the picture given is seen with narrow vision. The focus becomes the Las Vegas Strip. I don't know how many of you have been to Las Vegas, but the Las Vegas Strip is only a fraction of the metropolitan area. Casinos are abundant in many different neighborhoods, and more importantly, you get more bang for the buck at those.

Yeah, most people who come to Vegas book a room with one of the major hotel-casinos on the Las Vegas Strips such as the Bellagio or Caesar's Palace. I admit, the Las Vegas Strip can be fun, but it has really become an extension of corporate America. I miss the wise guy run nightclub-like casinos of old. That is probably why I tend to lean toward the locals casinos.

Places like the Cannery and the Stations Casinos off the same gambling options without the glitter and glam of the Las Vegas Strips. I tend to associate the Las Vegas Strip with the plastic surgery Barbie doll women that cruise through the casino floors and lounges. Both look like they were put together for looks, but they lack meaningful experiences.

If you really want to slum it for a good time, check out the casinos on the Boulder Strip (Boulder Highway in Henderson like Klondike Sunset and Jokers Wild). These casinos will often have 10 cent roulette or 25 cent craps. They're not for the weekend warrior of the Las Vegas Strip who will drop ten grand without blinking, but in this economy, the gambling experience doesn't have to be expensive.

If you really have to have the lights and the flash, check out downtown. The lights of the Freemont St. Experience will dazzle you far beyond the glitter of the Las Vegas Strip, and multiple casinos are within walking distance of each other.

My Vegas is not the flash and high rolling of TV. I live in the real world, not the world of the Las Vegas Strip.