Reality Show Mania

It's amazing the crap that TV producers will package and sell to networks. It's even more amazing that people watch this junk. First came the fad of reality TV shows such as Survivor and Big Brother. These eventually spawned reality TV networks such as FOX Reality and TruTV. Just a few minutes ago, I saw a commercial for a reality show about Rehab at the Hard Rock Hotel. The commercial glorified all the aspects of reality TV gold: a unique landscape, people acting like spoiled toddlers, and of course, scantily clad women.

Since other people can come up with great ideas for stupid reality TV shows and make money, why can't I? I have an idea for a show called, Public Restrooms. The premise is the documentaton of how people treat restrooms, what they do in there, and how they react to noisy and smelly depositors. I figure if their going to put crap on TV, why not make it literal.

Questions I've Always Wondered

How come God's country isn't in the United Nations? Does he not want peace for mankind?

If they add braille to drive up ATM's, why doesn't McDonalds do the same thing to their drive thru menu?

If humans are so evolved, why are we the only creature that has to wipe our asses?

If getting a vasectomy is called getting fixed, why isn't having a baby called going broke?

If age makes you wise, what the hell happened here?





If prostitution is the world's oldest profession, how in the hell did guys make money to buy sex?



And finally...

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

Absolutely Amazing!

You may have seen this heavily run scene from a recent Corona commercial. It is incredible! No, not the bikini clad beach blond who slides in a sultry fashion across the screen. Not the beautiful blue waves lovingly caressing the white sandy beach. It's incredible that the red headed guy is sitting in the sun without a shirt! His girl doesn't have to squeeze a lime at him. He'll get his, oh yes, he'll get his.

Even Refs Need to Wipe Their Balls from Time to Time

It's football time again, and there's nothing like the smell of barbeque lingering on a fall breeze, the deafening crack of a hard tackle, or the slight of hand performed by referees when they officiate a Patriots game.

Being a Raiders fan, I feel that refs have always made it a point to screw my team, but that was never so obvious as the infamous "Tuck Rule" which helped the Pats get to their first Super Bowl of this decade. Now it seems that these generous officials are at it again. Maybe they fear Bill Belichick. Whatever the case, the refs are caught in the act again. This time during the Monday night 2009 opener against the Buffalo Bills. It seems that the ref gave the Patriots a generous spot, and then decided it wasn't generous enough. He picks up the ball, pretends to wipe it, and places it a half yard farther down field. The chains were not even brought out.

Why aren't officials like this severely reprimanded for their crimes? Roger Goodell seems to crack down on misbehaving players. Maybe he should do the same for his officiating crews.

You can check out the video of this at www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxA95K5gP9s

Words of Hope

In this time of economic crisis, many people tend to lose faith in the system, their society, and themselves. Although I myself am feeling the financial sting of the recession, I do have some words of hope, albeit, false hope. Sometimes false hope is better than no hope, so when life is kicking your eyebrows off, remember these sayings to build up your faith in a system of bullshit and a life that so closely mirrors.

Don't cry because you had a bad day. Your whole life sucks anyway.

Just wear a smile...unless you're fat or ugly. Then cover up.

They say that one man's trash is another man's treasure, but you're a trashy slut to everyone.

Someday I'm gonna be somebody. Unfortunately it's not someone you ever wanted to be.

Don't worry about keeping up with the Joneses. Unless of course you get the DT's.

Everyone thinks you're incredible............................ly retarded.

When life hands you lemons, you've probably got scurvy.

AND FINALLY

There's always tomorrow for dreams to come true. Just keep saying that everyday.

Just Wash Your Hands People

You would think that in a world that is so enlightened scientifically and culturally more people would actually wash their hands after using the restroom. Unfortunately this is an epidemic which spans out across our population.

As a man I constantly witness men walking away from urinals and marching straight out the door. I still find this utterly disgusting, but I also hear from my wife that women often do this as well. This may be even more disgusting because a man could piss without really touching anything but his clothes if he was really careful. How does a woman wipe herself after pissing without some crossover to her hand? My wife told me last week that one of the teenage girls who works with my seven year old son at Tae Kwon Do walked out of the restroom without washing her hands. Then this girl is touching children as she helps them put their belts on. Disgusting! It's even more disgusting when (man or woman) takes a shit and walks out without washing his or her hands.

Living in Las Vegas I sometimes make my way to a casino or two. Casino restrooms house an abundance of people who use the facilities and then walk out without washing. With so many people drinking, the chances people using the restroom must strengthen. Now these same foul individuals are out in the casino touching the games, the cards, the dice, and the handles of the spoons in the buffets. Other people are touching these same surfaces and eating with their hands at the buffet, placing cigarettes up to their mouths, or using their hands in other activities in which these germs transfer to their facial area. I suggest that these casinos hire a bathroom witness whose job it is to just stand there and give shit to anyone who tries to walk out of the bathroom without washing his or her hands. How many of these foul individuals would suddenly wash out of fear of being judged? I'm sure not all, but I would bet a hell of a lot less germs would be floating around out on the casino floor and in the eateries.

The Haunting Facts

Over the past couple of weeks I not only watched the movie "The Haunting in Connecticut" but a couple of "A Haunting..." TV programs. I watch the programs almost as comedies because the crap that these people spout out is hilarious. For the record, I do not truly believe in ghosts, but the entertainment value of these programs cannot be denied.



First off, the people in these programs come across as idiots who do not stay consistent in their stories. For example, the last one I saw had a woman who stated near the end of the program that she was an atheist but now believes in the afterlife because of her haunting experience. At the beginning of the program, the same woman was telling a story about how her child was scared before she realized the ghostly activity, and she said some prayers with the child. Now maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that atheists don't say prayers to God with their children. Speaking of atheists, how come they never are haunted. It's always some God fearing christian (never Catholic) whose own reverend or preacher is unequipped to deal with an exorcism. Then this old couple, the Warrens I believe, who study supernatural phenomena come in with their own priest and save the day after a showdown.

My favorite is when a demon is haunting the home and giving the family messages such as "Get out". What the hell does a demon want with a house, especially in this economy? I thought demons wanted to corrupt humankind, not build their property portfolio. At least if a demon is going to infiltrate a house, why wouldn't it pick a multimillion dollar estate rather than a falling apart 100 year old dwelling?

I also like how the air gets chilly cold when the demon is near. I thought demons came from Hell which is supposed to be hot not cold. If demons can harness the power of chilly air, why is Hell filled with fire and brimstone rather than icebergs and penguins? I lived in Arizona and Nevada for the majority of my life, and I often find myself wishing I had one of these demons in the summer months. Free AC baby!

The Realization of How to Become a Published Author

The answer aligns itself with almost any medium. To excel in any realm, you need to exploit the system or others. Having imagination or originality is not desirable in today's world, especially when it comes to imaginative media (go figure). Why should anyone take a chance on something new, when the same old boring bullshit shown in a new light is practically guaranteed to sell. That's what it's all about too, and I'm not just talking about the business minded side of art. If an artist truly only cared about the work, then that artist would not care about having others appreciate it in a monetary form. Painters, musicians, writers, and all other artists are the same. We don't do it for the art in most cases. We do it to be appreciated for our talents.

I spent countless (OK, so I can actually count it if I wanted to) years writing music and performing my music in front of both infinitesimal and quite large gatherings of people. Sometimes I would get the pat on the back I was looking for and other times I felt like I was wasting my time with all of it. The musician's life worn upon me after some years, so I eventually turned my creative tongue to writing. I've written four novels and numerous short stories. I have realized that the amount of unappreciated work in writing towers overs music.

Agents and publishers rule the business. Through my last two years of writing and rejection (the bastard twins of my existence), I have seen so many agents, small time publishers, and friends/family members of the formers find success in publication. It all relates to the whole "it's who you know" saying. I guess in today's market, there are only two avenues for commercial success in the field of literary publication. First, write something that's only original enough to escape judicial inquisition. Second, if you are aspiring as an artist, first become someone who evaluates it either as an agent or a small time publisher. Then you already have the connections to sneak in your manuscripts without the courtesy of form letter rejection (or even worse: the lack of response based on the bullshit excuse of too many queries even though it would take less than an hour to e-mail form responses to a 100 queries).

Don't be surprised if I try to start an online magazine and become a literary agent's assistant in the next couple years. Maybe then I might find someone who is even willing to read my crap.

Visions of Jesus, Mary, and Cheetos

I was recently reading my local news website and stumbled upon a slide show of pictures showing supposedly ethereal images of the big JC and his virgin mother among everyday items. I remember hearing about this type of stuff for years. Events like the Virgin Mary's image showing up on a toenail clipping and thousands of religious zealots rushing to worship at the feet (get the pun?) of Mother Mary. Now who am I to argue why holy entities would want to resurrect their form within the setting of a Cheeto or a pizza pan? Who can question that divine judgment? I, however, can find many other things that these normal, everyday objects look like rather than the holy symbols of the Christian Mythology.

Here we have a Jesus Cheeto also known as Cheetus. I see this thing and I picture a lion sitting up or a buffalo. If it is Jesus, he lost his legs below the kneecaps. All hail the holy buffalo!

We also have the vision of Mary in this piece of wood, further proof that these divine characters exist. We could question the existence of God and his divine players if it were not for the emergence of holy shapes in unlikely places. To me this looks like a hand giving a big thumbs up. Maybe it's God's hand and he's saying, "Good job on cutting this tree down and destroying my Earth." Maybe if we cut down the tree right next to this one, we could get a two thumbs up review from the big guy.

The old saying that God is everywhere must be true. Grilled cheese sandwiches, muffin pans, and many others items supposedly boast these divine images, so check your underwear everyday to see if your butt stains resemble any part of the divinity. Then you could truly say, "Holy Shit!"

The Perfect Wedding

Weddings are a beautiful experience for a couple. I often reminance about the wonderful day I stared into my wife's lovely eyes and said, "I do." As I cruised around the Internet, I stumbled upon this picture. This wedding experience seemed to pertain to a different kind of couple. I doubt this guy, or any of the wedding guests, were staring into this woman's eyes as he said, "I do." And she's wearing that dress in white? Really?

TV Still Continues to Find Ways to Astound Me

Last night I happened upon one of the most hilarious TV programs that I have ever seen: The TV Land Awards. Here was a show that was based on giving TV shows that ran twenty or thirty years ago awards for being the shows that they were. Never mind the fact that all of the show were the ones that TV Land runs through syndication. I could only muster about 30 minutes of it, but in that time I got to see Home Improvement "win" a Fan Favorite Award and "Magnum P.I. "win" the Heroes award. I added the quotes around the word win because there weren't any other nominees besides the winner. It was like giving a lifetime achievement award to the cast of a 80's or 90's sitcom. I cannot truthfully say that I enjoyed the program, but it was like watching a train wreck featuring the cast members of shows I watched as a youth and young adult. It did, however, give me an idea for some awards. We could give the show Leave It to Beaver the Biggest Beaver Shot on TV Award, the show Saved by the Bell the Holy Crap, I've Seen that Chick's Bush in Showgirls Award, and the show Alf the Thing that Loves to Eat Pussy Cats Award. Damn, it seems that I only have one thing on my mind, and it's not TV Land.

Can You Smell What Barrack Is Cooking?

Since today is the hundredth day of Barrack Obama's presidency, I just wanted to throw out something I've always noticed. Barrack Obama's voice sound almost identical to the WWE's The Rock. The whole time that Obama was debating with Sen. John McCain, I was waiting for Barrack to ask him if he liked pie. Or when McCain was making a statement, I half expected Obama to yell out "It doesn't matter what you think!" as he cut off McCain. It would have rose the entertainment value of those debates anyhow.

Can the Raiders' Draft Possibly Be Worse Than Our Previous Season?

I'm afraid so. Every year I'm the type of die hard Raider fan who cleanses my football spirit with the hope that free agency and the draft is going to turn everything around. I was duped into believing that the tandem of Asomugha and Hall were going to be the most dominate NFL secondary. I bought into the hype. I thought Dante Culpepper was finally the answer to QB. I believed it. I thought Fabian Washington was going to be a shutdown corner. He proved me wrong. No matter what boneheaded decisions Al Davis seems to make, I still believe in the franchise. But this draft was really hard to swallow.

First off, Heyward-Bey? Really? I know that the only time old Al gets that happy feeling in his pants is when he sees someone with great speed, but to pass up Michael Crabtree for this WR is asinine. Who cares if he's the fastest WR coming out of college? Who cares if he's got a height advantage? He's got concrete hands. Very, very bad pick Mr. Davis.

As for the rest of the draft, the real issue is that the Raiders seemed to pick obscure players who seemed destined for a practice squad, but we picked them in our second and third rounds. At this point, I think Al Davis might be throwing a dart at the war room board and whoever's name the dart hits gets drafted. Maybe he's even consulting the Magic 8 Ball, but he sure the hell doesn't seem to be using his massive knowledge of the game anymore.

I was surely convinced that Al Davis died about six years ago, and the front office just props him up like the dead guy on Weekend at Bernie's. If that's the case, can we get Frank Oz to use Al Davis's lifeless body to come alive with good decisions? Frank Oz made Yoda seem wise. Why can't he do the same for the body of Al Davis?

Mother Earth Sure Grows Lots of Weeds

I find it amazing that two holidays that are a fabric of American counterculture practically are on back to back days. The weed induced claim of a National Pot Smoking Day on 4/20 and Earth Day on 4/22. Here we have two holidays, at least in the loosest sense of the term, that some people actually care about and others completely ignore. Let's just start with 4/20.

Pot smokers unite and pack their pipes, joints, and bongs with the finest chronic to salute a culture of junkies and losers on April 20th. Now, I'm not adverse to people who like smoking a little weed. I have friends who enjoy pot (I'm using this in the same context as the white guy who says he's not a racist because he has a black friend). If potheads want to celebrate getting high with getting high, who am I to argue? I'm going to be honest here. Although I don't really care about the pseudo holiday, I'm impressed that it exists. For a pothead to have the organizational skills and drive to actually get a day known nationally is amazing. Most of them can't even seem to get off the couch.

Earth Day isn't really better in terms of holiday cheer. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for saving the Earth, but is it the Earth that we are really trying to preserve? HELL NO! What we're trying to preserve is our pollution making, tree cutting, oil spilling, energy wasting, littering asses. The Earth is still going to be here in 1,000 years. It may be polluted as hell without the ability to sustain life of any kind, but it will be here. Humans are the ones that will be long gone from existence. We should change the name of the day to Human Day. Then we can stop hiding behind the guise of saving Mother Earth and be truthful with ourselves. We can make signs that say "Save Our Tails" instead of "Save the Whales."

Stupid holidays aside, if the federal government wants to give me a day off from work for these days, I'll be the first to roll a joint while planting a tree.

Where the Hell Do Mascots Come From?

I was reading a post by Kurt Snibbe at http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=snibbe/090421&sportCat=nfl. It's more like looking at pictures actually than reading, but it's funny. It has to do with the Detroit Lions new fierce logo. The thing that drew my attention though was the picture of the Hilltopper of Western Kentucky.




I have no idea what the hell a Hilltopper is in the first place, but this thing reminds me of Grimace from the old McDonald's gang.


Maybe colleges should adopt mascots based on fast food restaurants' fictional characters. For example, doesn't it make sense that a girl named Wendy would be the mascot for the Miami Hurricanes? Why in the hell do they have a ibis?







Or instead of a simple trojan at USC, that they just get the king.



Just imagine the possibilites that having a mascot or logo that exemplifies the Hamburglar or Jack on your favorite alma mater. Eat, cheer, and be proud.

Terrell Owens Can Get His Children's Books Published But I Can't

Now I know that name recognition is a key to writing children's books for those who are already famous. Any moron can bust out a few sentences and get a talented illustrator to tighten up the project. However, this book just amazes me.

I found this gem after receiving a rejection e-mail from Objective Entertainment in terms of looking for literary representation (this is just the newest in a plethora of rejections.) The first for me with this rejection, however, was that it was the first time that any literary agency has offered to put me in touch with some self-publishing companies. The word "Scam" screamed out to me, so I went on their page again and sifted through their projects. I happened to find this wonderful piece of work in their children's section.

How in the hell did Terrell Owens get to publish a children's book? Furthermore, read the title. Do I need to say any more? For those who know who Terrell Owens is, the title is an oxymoron in and of itself. Maybe T.O. should have read the book before he made comments about Tony Romo and Jason Witten.

Got to Love the Little Things in Life (and Sometimes the BIG Things too!)

I found this picture on the Internet at http://deadspin.com/5120562/does-this-guy-look-drunk-and-belligerent-to-you. It tells the tale of a shafted Raiders fan being thrown out of Raymond James Stadium during the Buccaneers / Raiders game. This picture initially caught my attention because I am a hardcore Oakland Raiders fan (got the tattoo on my arm to prove it), and my wife is a Bucs fan from Tampa Bay.

According to the man in this picture, he was minding his own business, enjoying the game, when he was tossed from the stadium for cheering his team. The stadium's spokesperson commented that the man was belligerent, was picking fights, and was incredibly intoxicated. This picture was the man's proof that he was getting along with the Bucs fan and was not picking fights at all.

Now all of this aside, let's examine the picture. It depicts a festive moment of a Raiders fan getting along with a Bucs fan. Never mind the fact that it is a scantily clad, hard bodied young female Bucs fan who is wrapping her leg around him. I'm sure he would have let any other Buc fan take the picture with him in the same manner.

The ringer of the picture for me, though, is not the combination of Raiders and Bucs fans colliding. It's not the sexy chick in her little shorts showing off her leg. It's the ass of the fat guy bending over right behind the chick. That sight brings out the true beauty in this picture. I just hope he wasn't responding to the cameraman yelling, "Say cheese!"

Do Dogs Really Have the Keenest Sense of Smell?

Dogs are used for all sorts of jobs based on their ability to smell even the slightest of odors. Police dogs sniff out drugs and other harmful materials. Hunting dogs use their miraculous noses to scout out animals for their masters. All sorts of duties are placed on dogs because of their fine sense of smell, but do they really have that great of a nose? I really don't think so.

First off, dogs sniff each other's butts. Don't you think that if dogs had the wonder noses that they are proclaimed to have, that they would keep those things as far away from another dog's butt as possible? I've also seen dogs drink out of the toilet and eat crap. Now I'm no Einstein, but I'm pretty sure that there is a correlation between the sense of smell and the sense of taste. One would be led to believe that if a dog can smell the shit, then it's not going to consume it.

Furthermore, have you ever been around a dog that blows so much ass that the room clears? Dogs can provide some of the foulest stenches known to man, yet they continue to lay on the floor like nothing is even happening around them. They won't even bat an eye lash as their butt defiles the world around them. Does that sound like they have a fine sense of smell?

I submit that dogs' keen sense of smell only pertains to certain types of smells. They can sense the pheromones of a animal because they want to eat the animal. They can smell the odor of illicit narcotics because they are junkies. But they just can't smell the rancid odor of ass.

Beer and Sports: The Perfect Combination?

Friday night, my family and I ventured down to Phoenix, AZ to catch the Diamondbacks/Dodgers games. Being an avid D-Backs fan, it should go without saying that I had a good time. Got to love it when your teams whoops on a divisional rival, and you're there to take it in firsthand.

The thing that I noticed while I was there, though, was that people are drinking a TON of beer at the game. I personally spent $45 on beer alone. Crazy, but not as crazy as my realization. What type of insurance covers a place like a sports arena? First off, you have a lot of people drinking and having a grand old time. Most of them are at least taking on a decent buzz. Then you have thousands of steps going up and down the whole ball park. I'm amazed that more people do not drunkenly plummet down the steps.

I understand that the ballpark can't be held responsible for those who willingly drink the alcohol and then trip themselves. What I'm wondering about is the people who are slammed into by the falling drunks. Those people were just minding their own business, enjoying the game, when some inebriated clutz plummets through them causing who knows what kind of damage. Seems to me that those people would have quite a lawsuit against the falling jerk and the the ballpark.

Insurance for that has got to be a bitch.

Is it Wisdom or Just Old Age?

When I was a young man (not that I'm all that incredibly old now in my mid 30's), I would take chances that I wouldn't even dream about taking now. I would jump off cliffs into the local lake. I would make things open by hitting them with my hands. I would even fling myself off of the roof of my house into the shallow end of my pool. I wouldn't even dream about it nowadays. Is that wisdom telling me that it's not a good choice? I believe it is just my aching body.

I have found over the past ten years or so that I do not heal as quickly as I used to heal. I once sprained an ankle pretty bad (swelled like a grapefruit and was completely black and blue). I was walking on the damned thing two days later and moving around normally within a week. I stub my toe now, and it aches for three days. About a year and a half ago, I tore open a muscle in my shoulder just throwing a ball to some kids. I went to three months of physical therapy and decided against surgery. My arm still aches from time to time depending on how I use it.

I have come to the realization that I am not wiser. I would still do all the crazy crap that I used to do if I trusted my body to heal quickly. I haven't stopped because of wisdom. I just stopped because my body can't handle it.

Jeff Garcia was the Right Choice for the Raiders...Five Years Ago

Jeff Garcia officially signed a one year contract with the Oakland Raiders today. In his five year tour around the NFL and spending time as both starter and backup on four other teams, Jeff Garcia has seen a lot of ups and downs. Had he just been signed to the Oakland Raiders five years ago after he was released from San Francisco, both his and the Raider's last half of a decade would have been more lucrative to say the least.

Over the past five years, the Raiders have accumulated an abysmal 20 - 60 record. They have seen their fair share (and many other teams' fair shares) of starting quarterbacks from Kerry Collins to Andrew Walter. Five years ago, Marques Tuiasosopo was heir apparent to the throne of Rich Gannon. Why? Every time Tui got in the game, he would throw a couple of picks before inevitably getting injured. When Jeff Garcia was available and the Raiders needed him, they didn't take advantage. How is signing Jeff Garcia going to help them now?

They have permanently coined JaMarcus Russell as the starter since he's costing them that first overall draft pick money. JaMarcus could have benefited from a pro like Garcia on the roster two years ago, but now? Russell has started to find his own way through a mist of poor coaching and even poorer role models. Jeff Garcia would have been the perfect mentor to the young Russell, but time has already dug in wounds that signing a consistent quarterback at the end of his career for a one year contract cannot fix.

On that horrible day that Rich Gannon made his final curtain call, strives should have been made to get Garcia in the driver's seat. Five years later, Jeff Garcia is destined to be a decent backup rather than one of the great Oakland Raider quarterbacks of history.

Lose the Gun, Find a Building

I've been watching the news lately, and I've realized that there is a growing number of mass murder shootings in the United States. The immigrant in Binghamton, New York went into a center for prospective citizens and open fired killing 13 people before he killed himself. News was that he lost his job recently. Another news clip detailed a wacko in Pennsylvania who called police with a bogus domestic violence call. When police showed up, he open fired killing 3 and wounding 2 others. He had recently lost his factory job.

These are just two of the recent mass murder shootings associated with the recession. People are taking their frustrations out on others in an attempt to end their own pitiful lives. If things get so bad that you can't take it anymore, learn from our forefathers from the previous depression. Find the highest building in your town, climb to the top, and fling your pathetic ass off. You don't have to take others with you. Instead of mass murder shootings, maybe we can just deal with hosing down the sidewalk instead.

My Las Vegas

Every time you see anything associated with Las Vegas on TV, the picture given is seen with narrow vision. The focus becomes the Las Vegas Strip. I don't know how many of you have been to Las Vegas, but the Las Vegas Strip is only a fraction of the metropolitan area. Casinos are abundant in many different neighborhoods, and more importantly, you get more bang for the buck at those.

Yeah, most people who come to Vegas book a room with one of the major hotel-casinos on the Las Vegas Strips such as the Bellagio or Caesar's Palace. I admit, the Las Vegas Strip can be fun, but it has really become an extension of corporate America. I miss the wise guy run nightclub-like casinos of old. That is probably why I tend to lean toward the locals casinos.

Places like the Cannery and the Stations Casinos off the same gambling options without the glitter and glam of the Las Vegas Strips. I tend to associate the Las Vegas Strip with the plastic surgery Barbie doll women that cruise through the casino floors and lounges. Both look like they were put together for looks, but they lack meaningful experiences.

If you really want to slum it for a good time, check out the casinos on the Boulder Strip (Boulder Highway in Henderson like Klondike Sunset and Jokers Wild). These casinos will often have 10 cent roulette or 25 cent craps. They're not for the weekend warrior of the Las Vegas Strip who will drop ten grand without blinking, but in this economy, the gambling experience doesn't have to be expensive.

If you really have to have the lights and the flash, check out downtown. The lights of the Freemont St. Experience will dazzle you far beyond the glitter of the Las Vegas Strip, and multiple casinos are within walking distance of each other.

My Vegas is not the flash and high rolling of TV. I live in the real world, not the world of the Las Vegas Strip.

Beer Me (and this time it's a Bud)

Tonight I'd tried Bud Light Lime for the very first time. (No, I'm not writing a poem). I'm not one for Bud Light. Personally, I'm a Corona man most of the time with a tendancy toward the Guiness. For whatever reason, I got a wild hair up my ass to try Bud Light Lime. it wasn't bad at all.

Actually, for those of you who have been drinking for awhile, you may remember Zima. Do they even sell that anymore? I haven't seen that stuff in a long while. Anyway, Bud Light Lime tastes a lot like Zima to me if my taste bud recollection serves right.

It was probably the best Bud product that I've had in a long while. A few months back, I bought a 12 pack of Budweiser. Since then I've bought numerous 12 packs of other kinds of beer. I still have two of the Budweiser bottles in my fridge. I can't say that I like Bud beers, but if you a reminiscant of Zima, try Bud Light Lime. It a whole hell of a lot like it.

Drunken Rant

The wind is howling outside as I sit on my couch with laptop on lap and beer in hand (I've grown accustomed to typing one handed). It has been a very long time since I got drunk and ranted in a post about whatever happened to be pissing me off at the time. If you read any of my previous blogs, which it does not appear that anyone reads my thoughts (scared of the sheer awesomeness of ideas I presume), I tend to rant about many things. I just haven't done so drunk lately. Unfortunately, I'm not drunk now either, so that seems to be pissing me off at the very moment. Someday soon I'll get drunk and present ideas abundant in idiocy. For now though, I'll just present posts of idiocy sober.

Skin Cancer vs. Our Parents

Yesterday, I was out at a rally that was raising money for cancer research. Three hours in the sunlight, and by the time the rally ended, I was left with a nice little reddish glow to my face. My friend even made the comment to me that, "the ironic thing is I'm gonna get skin cancer from this." Now, I'm a grown man and I know how to take care of my skin, but I think about all the kids running around in the direct sunlight without hats, sunglasses, or probably even SPF protective lotion. It makes me think about the time when I was younger.

It wasn't until recently (last ten years or so) that we started hearing about skin cancer and how we should wear sunscreen if we are going to be out in the sunlight for any extended amount of time. I remember being a kid in the Arizona desert, running around all hours of the day outside, and I don't remember the conversation of sunscreen ever being brought up. Why is that?

Many people claim that we didn't know about skin cancer until recently. Why? Did the sun's radiation suddenly get stronger? Did our skin become weaker? Cancer's always been around. You would think people would have seen and diagnosed skin cancer for centuries. That being said, I don't think that skin cancer is anything new. I just think our parents were just ignorant. The information wasn't in their faces the way it's in ours, and they sure the hell weren't going to spend the time looking the information up (remember, they didn't have the Internet at their fingertips like we do). The thing that really pisses me off is that there are still tons of parents who have their kids running around without protection from the sun. Those parents aren't ignorant. They're morons!

Great Moments in Idiom History

What's the big deal with HDTV?

Am I the last man on earth who refuses to buy an HDTV? I'm one of those people who know that they'll come down in price after a few years, and then I'll switch over. They're already incredibly less expensive today than they were three years ago. I just wonder why getting one is such a big deal.

Sure, they make the picture look more clear, but it's still two dimensional. It's not like you're standing in the middle of the action with three dimensions spinning all around you. Likewise, a lot of the channels aren't even available in HD yet. They look crappier on an HDTV than they do on my old piece of crap traditional set.

Even more nuttier is the fact that you have to pay more for HD programming in most cases. One of my friends has an HDTV and service through a satellite programmer. I have service through the same provider. We both bought a certain sports package, but he had to pay even more for the same games so they could be HD. This all sounds like a huge scam to me.

Let me get all of this straight. First, pay more for the TV. Then you can't get what you paid for, meaning high definition, with all the channels because it is not available on all channels. Finally, pay more for the same programming so some of the channels can live up to what the TV is supposed to do in the first place (show pictures in high definition). Great! It all makes sense now. I'll wait for HD.

Being a Kid Isn't So Bad

In these times of economic constriction, I find myself often turning into the grumpy old man who yells just for the act of yelling. Little things seem to piss me off, and there is only so much drinking I can do before I become an alcoholic and thus create another problem in my life to be pissed about. I recently have found my thoughts wandering back to ages ago when staying up to midnight was a big deal. That is when it dawned on me: why can't I still be a kid? Well, obviously I can't turn back my age, and even if I did, I don't have anyone to take care of me. But I can, however, act like a child, or more so, I can do some of the things that made me happy as a child. Here are ten thoughts turn back the clock.

1. Build a fort - I'm talking about going into a vacant lot and finding a bunch of scrap wood and junk. Then I'll take it to another vacant lot and transform it into a physical manifestation that architects would wince at.

2. Ride a bike - Now I'm not talking about getting a mountain bike or riding a ten speed around the neighborhood. I'm talking about getting a BMX bike and jumping the thing off ramps or small hill ramps. Who cares if I get hurt? I didn't care about it when I was 10. Besides, I actually have better insurance now.

3. Build a water slide down the driveway - Do I need to explain this one?

4. Climb a tree - But not just ascend up it. Once I'm up there, I need to yell at passersby that they are treading on my territory.

5. Randomly start games of tag with the people around me. Once I tag someone though, I yell, "No tag backs!" Watch out for this one at work.

6. Get up early on Saturday morning to watch cartoons - Found this one doesn't work as well as there aren't an abundance of cartoons on Saturday mornings.

7. Walk down the center of a wash - This is more region oriented I think. If you don't have washes, then find similar areas of interest: forests, streams, etc.

8. Coerce a dog to follow you home and then ask your spouse, "Can we keep him? Can we?"

9. Order ten pizzas and then try to outdo your friends in a standoff of who can eat the most.

10. Jump on the bed - Who cares if you fall off and break your head. Screw those little monkeys and their clumsiness.

Live life without the pressures of adulthood constantly weighing down upon you. Be a kid again, if just for a moment!

Great Moments in Idiom History

It Ain't Easy Being Green

Green this and green that! Green seems to be the new buzz word floating off the lips of our nation's former tree huggers (and unfortunately everyone else too). From everything between eco friendly kitchen cleaner to new ways to shade your yard and save energy, we are the decade of green. The only question is: how do we stop the madness?

I was born in the mid 1970's, so I don't have a plethera of memories to draw from for that decade. I do have pretty strong memories of the nation's ways from the 80's on. In the 1980's I remember Yuppies and great spending. People were out to satisfy themselves. Screw the rest of them all. By the 90's, technology rang supreme. Computers and cell phones exploded. The Internet could be found everywhere. By the turn of the millenium, we went back to our wasteful spending ways, yet we seemed to make a lot of poor choices. For example, is it wise to get a home loan that will double in three years based on the idea that you can sell the house and never have to pay the huge mortgage? Not so much. We are ending the decade of dumbass choices.

So how do we make up for that idiocracy? We make everything green. We're going to save the planet from what we and our predecessors have done to it. Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for saving the planet. I just don't need the word green slammed in my face when I turn on the TV or read the paper. And if we're going to do this, can we at least get green crap that is somewhat as useful as the old non-green crap I used to use. I tried eco friendly dishwasher detergent. It stuck forming a thick film on my dishes. I tried those swirly lightbulbs, but for whatever reason, they stop working in certain sockets if left on too long. They don't burn out. The corkscrew lightbulbs just don't work in that specific socket anymore. It like the socket and the bulb had a tiffy fit and refuse to work with each other anymore. I always end up putting my old lightbulbs back in.

If we're going to transcend into the "Save the World" decade, can we at least create stuff that saves me the trouble of having to replace the green items with my old stuff again? Save us the bullshit first.

Don't the "Greats" Come in Twos?

As friend of mine and I were talking recently about movies, we came to the utter realization that many of the "great" (and I use that term as loosely as my tongue will allow) movies always seem to have an equally promoted yet drastically insufficient twin of the same plotline. This practice of mirrored movie plots seems to always surface in summer blockbuster movies.

For example, let's look at the earthly death by meteor pairing of Armageddon and Deep Impact. Both movies provide us with a thrilling look into what the world would be like if a big ass meteor was about to plow into it. Although Deep Impact had Morgan Freeman, one of the finest actors ever, I never got into the storyline the way I did when I saw Armageddon. This, quite possibly, is due to the fact that I saw the Bruce Willis asteroid thrill ride first. Now if we could have just put Ben Affleck on that meteor too as it blew up.

Another pairing of cinematic siblings is the explosive eruptive Dante's Peak and Volcano. Now, I've enjoyed 007 in a few of his movies from the day such as Livewire, but I can't say that I've ever been a Pierce Brosnan fan. Tommy Lee Jones on the other hand. Although he seems to suffer from Robert Deniro disease (a rare syndrome in which the actor can pick Academy Award winning performances and movies one year and a pile of crap the next), I have to admit that Volcano lends itself to the pile of crap category. Come on. A volcano erupts in Los Angeles? Why didn't it burn down the studio where they were making that movie first?

Movie parallelism doesn't just end with high energy action flicks. It dips its hands into the children's animated movie world as well. Remember the first time your kid made you watch Disney's The Wild and you asked yourself, "Did I just watch this movie the other night when it took place in Madagascar?" Why yes, you did! Except for one of the lion's planted his seed in one of the movies while the other one came across as gay (sorry, Ben Stiller but your lion seemed a bit effeminate for King of the Jungle, and I won't make a Queen of the Jungle reference here-uh, besides that one).

This all finally leads me to my point. I need to know what types of movies are being written right now. If I can find out the premise for some future blockbusters, I can get my mediocre screenplay of paralleled plotline written just in time for both movies to go into production. Help me, help you! Ensure yourself the right to unimaginative storylines told and retold over and over again.