Just Wash Your Hands People

You would think that in a world that is so enlightened scientifically and culturally more people would actually wash their hands after using the restroom. Unfortunately this is an epidemic which spans out across our population.

As a man I constantly witness men walking away from urinals and marching straight out the door. I still find this utterly disgusting, but I also hear from my wife that women often do this as well. This may be even more disgusting because a man could piss without really touching anything but his clothes if he was really careful. How does a woman wipe herself after pissing without some crossover to her hand? My wife told me last week that one of the teenage girls who works with my seven year old son at Tae Kwon Do walked out of the restroom without washing her hands. Then this girl is touching children as she helps them put their belts on. Disgusting! It's even more disgusting when (man or woman) takes a shit and walks out without washing his or her hands.

Living in Las Vegas I sometimes make my way to a casino or two. Casino restrooms house an abundance of people who use the facilities and then walk out without washing. With so many people drinking, the chances people using the restroom must strengthen. Now these same foul individuals are out in the casino touching the games, the cards, the dice, and the handles of the spoons in the buffets. Other people are touching these same surfaces and eating with their hands at the buffet, placing cigarettes up to their mouths, or using their hands in other activities in which these germs transfer to their facial area. I suggest that these casinos hire a bathroom witness whose job it is to just stand there and give shit to anyone who tries to walk out of the bathroom without washing his or her hands. How many of these foul individuals would suddenly wash out of fear of being judged? I'm sure not all, but I would bet a hell of a lot less germs would be floating around out on the casino floor and in the eateries.

The Haunting Facts

Over the past couple of weeks I not only watched the movie "The Haunting in Connecticut" but a couple of "A Haunting..." TV programs. I watch the programs almost as comedies because the crap that these people spout out is hilarious. For the record, I do not truly believe in ghosts, but the entertainment value of these programs cannot be denied.



First off, the people in these programs come across as idiots who do not stay consistent in their stories. For example, the last one I saw had a woman who stated near the end of the program that she was an atheist but now believes in the afterlife because of her haunting experience. At the beginning of the program, the same woman was telling a story about how her child was scared before she realized the ghostly activity, and she said some prayers with the child. Now maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that atheists don't say prayers to God with their children. Speaking of atheists, how come they never are haunted. It's always some God fearing christian (never Catholic) whose own reverend or preacher is unequipped to deal with an exorcism. Then this old couple, the Warrens I believe, who study supernatural phenomena come in with their own priest and save the day after a showdown.

My favorite is when a demon is haunting the home and giving the family messages such as "Get out". What the hell does a demon want with a house, especially in this economy? I thought demons wanted to corrupt humankind, not build their property portfolio. At least if a demon is going to infiltrate a house, why wouldn't it pick a multimillion dollar estate rather than a falling apart 100 year old dwelling?

I also like how the air gets chilly cold when the demon is near. I thought demons came from Hell which is supposed to be hot not cold. If demons can harness the power of chilly air, why is Hell filled with fire and brimstone rather than icebergs and penguins? I lived in Arizona and Nevada for the majority of my life, and I often find myself wishing I had one of these demons in the summer months. Free AC baby!

The Realization of How to Become a Published Author

The answer aligns itself with almost any medium. To excel in any realm, you need to exploit the system or others. Having imagination or originality is not desirable in today's world, especially when it comes to imaginative media (go figure). Why should anyone take a chance on something new, when the same old boring bullshit shown in a new light is practically guaranteed to sell. That's what it's all about too, and I'm not just talking about the business minded side of art. If an artist truly only cared about the work, then that artist would not care about having others appreciate it in a monetary form. Painters, musicians, writers, and all other artists are the same. We don't do it for the art in most cases. We do it to be appreciated for our talents.

I spent countless (OK, so I can actually count it if I wanted to) years writing music and performing my music in front of both infinitesimal and quite large gatherings of people. Sometimes I would get the pat on the back I was looking for and other times I felt like I was wasting my time with all of it. The musician's life worn upon me after some years, so I eventually turned my creative tongue to writing. I've written four novels and numerous short stories. I have realized that the amount of unappreciated work in writing towers overs music.

Agents and publishers rule the business. Through my last two years of writing and rejection (the bastard twins of my existence), I have seen so many agents, small time publishers, and friends/family members of the formers find success in publication. It all relates to the whole "it's who you know" saying. I guess in today's market, there are only two avenues for commercial success in the field of literary publication. First, write something that's only original enough to escape judicial inquisition. Second, if you are aspiring as an artist, first become someone who evaluates it either as an agent or a small time publisher. Then you already have the connections to sneak in your manuscripts without the courtesy of form letter rejection (or even worse: the lack of response based on the bullshit excuse of too many queries even though it would take less than an hour to e-mail form responses to a 100 queries).

Don't be surprised if I try to start an online magazine and become a literary agent's assistant in the next couple years. Maybe then I might find someone who is even willing to read my crap.

Visions of Jesus, Mary, and Cheetos

I was recently reading my local news website and stumbled upon a slide show of pictures showing supposedly ethereal images of the big JC and his virgin mother among everyday items. I remember hearing about this type of stuff for years. Events like the Virgin Mary's image showing up on a toenail clipping and thousands of religious zealots rushing to worship at the feet (get the pun?) of Mother Mary. Now who am I to argue why holy entities would want to resurrect their form within the setting of a Cheeto or a pizza pan? Who can question that divine judgment? I, however, can find many other things that these normal, everyday objects look like rather than the holy symbols of the Christian Mythology.

Here we have a Jesus Cheeto also known as Cheetus. I see this thing and I picture a lion sitting up or a buffalo. If it is Jesus, he lost his legs below the kneecaps. All hail the holy buffalo!

We also have the vision of Mary in this piece of wood, further proof that these divine characters exist. We could question the existence of God and his divine players if it were not for the emergence of holy shapes in unlikely places. To me this looks like a hand giving a big thumbs up. Maybe it's God's hand and he's saying, "Good job on cutting this tree down and destroying my Earth." Maybe if we cut down the tree right next to this one, we could get a two thumbs up review from the big guy.

The old saying that God is everywhere must be true. Grilled cheese sandwiches, muffin pans, and many others items supposedly boast these divine images, so check your underwear everyday to see if your butt stains resemble any part of the divinity. Then you could truly say, "Holy Shit!"

The Perfect Wedding

Weddings are a beautiful experience for a couple. I often reminance about the wonderful day I stared into my wife's lovely eyes and said, "I do." As I cruised around the Internet, I stumbled upon this picture. This wedding experience seemed to pertain to a different kind of couple. I doubt this guy, or any of the wedding guests, were staring into this woman's eyes as he said, "I do." And she's wearing that dress in white? Really?

TV Still Continues to Find Ways to Astound Me

Last night I happened upon one of the most hilarious TV programs that I have ever seen: The TV Land Awards. Here was a show that was based on giving TV shows that ran twenty or thirty years ago awards for being the shows that they were. Never mind the fact that all of the show were the ones that TV Land runs through syndication. I could only muster about 30 minutes of it, but in that time I got to see Home Improvement "win" a Fan Favorite Award and "Magnum P.I. "win" the Heroes award. I added the quotes around the word win because there weren't any other nominees besides the winner. It was like giving a lifetime achievement award to the cast of a 80's or 90's sitcom. I cannot truthfully say that I enjoyed the program, but it was like watching a train wreck featuring the cast members of shows I watched as a youth and young adult. It did, however, give me an idea for some awards. We could give the show Leave It to Beaver the Biggest Beaver Shot on TV Award, the show Saved by the Bell the Holy Crap, I've Seen that Chick's Bush in Showgirls Award, and the show Alf the Thing that Loves to Eat Pussy Cats Award. Damn, it seems that I only have one thing on my mind, and it's not TV Land.

Can You Smell What Barrack Is Cooking?

Since today is the hundredth day of Barrack Obama's presidency, I just wanted to throw out something I've always noticed. Barrack Obama's voice sound almost identical to the WWE's The Rock. The whole time that Obama was debating with Sen. John McCain, I was waiting for Barrack to ask him if he liked pie. Or when McCain was making a statement, I half expected Obama to yell out "It doesn't matter what you think!" as he cut off McCain. It would have rose the entertainment value of those debates anyhow.