Visions of Jesus, Mary, and Cheetos

I was recently reading my local news website and stumbled upon a slide show of pictures showing supposedly ethereal images of the big JC and his virgin mother among everyday items. I remember hearing about this type of stuff for years. Events like the Virgin Mary's image showing up on a toenail clipping and thousands of religious zealots rushing to worship at the feet (get the pun?) of Mother Mary. Now who am I to argue why holy entities would want to resurrect their form within the setting of a Cheeto or a pizza pan? Who can question that divine judgment? I, however, can find many other things that these normal, everyday objects look like rather than the holy symbols of the Christian Mythology.

Here we have a Jesus Cheeto also known as Cheetus. I see this thing and I picture a lion sitting up or a buffalo. If it is Jesus, he lost his legs below the kneecaps. All hail the holy buffalo!

We also have the vision of Mary in this piece of wood, further proof that these divine characters exist. We could question the existence of God and his divine players if it were not for the emergence of holy shapes in unlikely places. To me this looks like a hand giving a big thumbs up. Maybe it's God's hand and he's saying, "Good job on cutting this tree down and destroying my Earth." Maybe if we cut down the tree right next to this one, we could get a two thumbs up review from the big guy.

The old saying that God is everywhere must be true. Grilled cheese sandwiches, muffin pans, and many others items supposedly boast these divine images, so check your underwear everyday to see if your butt stains resemble any part of the divinity. Then you could truly say, "Holy Shit!"

The Perfect Wedding

Weddings are a beautiful experience for a couple. I often reminance about the wonderful day I stared into my wife's lovely eyes and said, "I do." As I cruised around the Internet, I stumbled upon this picture. This wedding experience seemed to pertain to a different kind of couple. I doubt this guy, or any of the wedding guests, were staring into this woman's eyes as he said, "I do." And she's wearing that dress in white? Really?

TV Still Continues to Find Ways to Astound Me

Last night I happened upon one of the most hilarious TV programs that I have ever seen: The TV Land Awards. Here was a show that was based on giving TV shows that ran twenty or thirty years ago awards for being the shows that they were. Never mind the fact that all of the show were the ones that TV Land runs through syndication. I could only muster about 30 minutes of it, but in that time I got to see Home Improvement "win" a Fan Favorite Award and "Magnum P.I. "win" the Heroes award. I added the quotes around the word win because there weren't any other nominees besides the winner. It was like giving a lifetime achievement award to the cast of a 80's or 90's sitcom. I cannot truthfully say that I enjoyed the program, but it was like watching a train wreck featuring the cast members of shows I watched as a youth and young adult. It did, however, give me an idea for some awards. We could give the show Leave It to Beaver the Biggest Beaver Shot on TV Award, the show Saved by the Bell the Holy Crap, I've Seen that Chick's Bush in Showgirls Award, and the show Alf the Thing that Loves to Eat Pussy Cats Award. Damn, it seems that I only have one thing on my mind, and it's not TV Land.

Can You Smell What Barrack Is Cooking?

Since today is the hundredth day of Barrack Obama's presidency, I just wanted to throw out something I've always noticed. Barrack Obama's voice sound almost identical to the WWE's The Rock. The whole time that Obama was debating with Sen. John McCain, I was waiting for Barrack to ask him if he liked pie. Or when McCain was making a statement, I half expected Obama to yell out "It doesn't matter what you think!" as he cut off McCain. It would have rose the entertainment value of those debates anyhow.

Can the Raiders' Draft Possibly Be Worse Than Our Previous Season?

I'm afraid so. Every year I'm the type of die hard Raider fan who cleanses my football spirit with the hope that free agency and the draft is going to turn everything around. I was duped into believing that the tandem of Asomugha and Hall were going to be the most dominate NFL secondary. I bought into the hype. I thought Dante Culpepper was finally the answer to QB. I believed it. I thought Fabian Washington was going to be a shutdown corner. He proved me wrong. No matter what boneheaded decisions Al Davis seems to make, I still believe in the franchise. But this draft was really hard to swallow.

First off, Heyward-Bey? Really? I know that the only time old Al gets that happy feeling in his pants is when he sees someone with great speed, but to pass up Michael Crabtree for this WR is asinine. Who cares if he's the fastest WR coming out of college? Who cares if he's got a height advantage? He's got concrete hands. Very, very bad pick Mr. Davis.

As for the rest of the draft, the real issue is that the Raiders seemed to pick obscure players who seemed destined for a practice squad, but we picked them in our second and third rounds. At this point, I think Al Davis might be throwing a dart at the war room board and whoever's name the dart hits gets drafted. Maybe he's even consulting the Magic 8 Ball, but he sure the hell doesn't seem to be using his massive knowledge of the game anymore.

I was surely convinced that Al Davis died about six years ago, and the front office just props him up like the dead guy on Weekend at Bernie's. If that's the case, can we get Frank Oz to use Al Davis's lifeless body to come alive with good decisions? Frank Oz made Yoda seem wise. Why can't he do the same for the body of Al Davis?

Mother Earth Sure Grows Lots of Weeds

I find it amazing that two holidays that are a fabric of American counterculture practically are on back to back days. The weed induced claim of a National Pot Smoking Day on 4/20 and Earth Day on 4/22. Here we have two holidays, at least in the loosest sense of the term, that some people actually care about and others completely ignore. Let's just start with 4/20.

Pot smokers unite and pack their pipes, joints, and bongs with the finest chronic to salute a culture of junkies and losers on April 20th. Now, I'm not adverse to people who like smoking a little weed. I have friends who enjoy pot (I'm using this in the same context as the white guy who says he's not a racist because he has a black friend). If potheads want to celebrate getting high with getting high, who am I to argue? I'm going to be honest here. Although I don't really care about the pseudo holiday, I'm impressed that it exists. For a pothead to have the organizational skills and drive to actually get a day known nationally is amazing. Most of them can't even seem to get off the couch.

Earth Day isn't really better in terms of holiday cheer. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for saving the Earth, but is it the Earth that we are really trying to preserve? HELL NO! What we're trying to preserve is our pollution making, tree cutting, oil spilling, energy wasting, littering asses. The Earth is still going to be here in 1,000 years. It may be polluted as hell without the ability to sustain life of any kind, but it will be here. Humans are the ones that will be long gone from existence. We should change the name of the day to Human Day. Then we can stop hiding behind the guise of saving Mother Earth and be truthful with ourselves. We can make signs that say "Save Our Tails" instead of "Save the Whales."

Stupid holidays aside, if the federal government wants to give me a day off from work for these days, I'll be the first to roll a joint while planting a tree.

Where the Hell Do Mascots Come From?

I was reading a post by Kurt Snibbe at http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=snibbe/090421&sportCat=nfl. It's more like looking at pictures actually than reading, but it's funny. It has to do with the Detroit Lions new fierce logo. The thing that drew my attention though was the picture of the Hilltopper of Western Kentucky.




I have no idea what the hell a Hilltopper is in the first place, but this thing reminds me of Grimace from the old McDonald's gang.


Maybe colleges should adopt mascots based on fast food restaurants' fictional characters. For example, doesn't it make sense that a girl named Wendy would be the mascot for the Miami Hurricanes? Why in the hell do they have a ibis?







Or instead of a simple trojan at USC, that they just get the king.



Just imagine the possibilites that having a mascot or logo that exemplifies the Hamburglar or Jack on your favorite alma mater. Eat, cheer, and be proud.